2000-11-17 - 19:23:35
You know you're 18 when you get a credit card account. You know you're a man when you cancel one.
I've signed up for six or seven credit cards, through various promotions, because I got free sunglasses and cd-wallets and various neato things like that. I always figured, if I cancel them, I'll be fine. Right? Today I decided to do a little pruning. I called up citibank mastercard in order to cancel my account with them. It's funny, to activate a card all you have to do is hit a few buttons. To cancel, you have to go through "The Specialist". That's the ominous sounding name I've given to the people who the current operator hands you over to, as soon as they've discovered they have a "situation," namely, me. A canceler. A renegade. Through the bad but soothing elevator music I listened to while "The Specialist" was scaring the shit out of some other poor soul, I thought, "This will be easy. The nice lady will cancel my card, I'll cut it up, and that will be the end of it." If only I knew...
A woman picked up the phone. Her name was Connie. She called me by my first name, and asked her what she could do for me today. As if I wanted her input on interior decorating... We both knew what we were there for, but only she knew how it would really end... I told her, confidently, that I wished to cancel my credit card. Affably, genially, she asked why. I replied, I've recieved seven credit cards through various promotions, I don't feel comfortable with them floating aimlessly about. In a sickeningly sweet voice, she confided in me that she understood completely. That's when I knew I was in trouble.
She asked which one I was planning on keeping. I frantically searched the pile, knowing "none of'm" would not soothe the savage beast. Eyes fell upon the trusty discover card, the only one to offer 1% cash back. I blurted "Discover!" and quickly told her why. Relaxed, she inquired about interest rates, etc, and when they were found to match, I was forced to endure tales of why citibank is the best card to have, how it helped her daughter eat in college (not only has this demon spawned, I thought, but she wouldn't front cash to her own daughter!) and how nice it is that I'm in Tucson, instead of where she was, South Dakota, which is freezing this time of year(Not unlike her black heart, I soon discovered). Not that I cared. Her voice grew more intense and hostile as she went on about how great citibank was, until it peaked at a cool, contemplated, well practiced and absolutely terrifying sounding "I'll tell you what, Alex... How about you keep your mastercard, and I send you some brochures on cards you can upgrade to in June?"
Nearly pissing my pants with fear, I mumbled consent to the hellspawn of the credit card company, and hung up the phone. I had attempted to slay dragons without an excalibur. Not even a horse. I had been conquered. Unless I changed my ways, I would be demolished by the next round of specialists I tried to do battle with. My roommate laughed understandingly, and showed me the error of my ways. When asked about the credit card I was keeping, I had been ill-informed. I had no real information as to why I wanted to keep one, only that I wanted to cancel the other. Also, in my naivety, my voice had been genial and weak-sounding.
Understanding, but still in fear of citibank. I closed my eyes and pulled another card out of the stack. I opened my eyes, and before me sat the AT&T Platinum Select card. With cheap long distance I wouldn't even use. Perfect! I read up in it's propogandic little pamphlet on what it's benefits were, and made sure whatever the creature on the other end of the line pointed out, I didn't need it. I called, once again greeted by a friendly, affable person. Once again, upon hearing that I was a "situation" I was transferred. This time, excalibur stood by my side, and by god, I was prepared to do battle. She asked what she could do for me. I told her. She asked why, I told her that too. She asked which card I was keeping, and I proudly stated, my discover card. It gives me money back, it's cool looking and black, and by god, I like it. With a screaming death-shriek (No, not really, but I picture one when I think back to it) she leaped into battle. Interest rates, calling card rates and cash forwarding, spending limits and special benefits... All parried and returned. Lower interest rates! Cash back! Free long distance, higher spending limits, utter uselessness of their credit card's benefits in the context of my lifestyle. I hacked away mercilessly. Finally, I heard the death-rattle of my nemesis, as she asked in a tired, resigned voice, "is there anything we can do to convince you to keep the AT&T Platinum Select?" My eyes narrowed, a sneer crossed my face. "No, I'm just going to go ahead and cancel it." I had dealt the final blow, the culmination of the great battle. She instructed me on the proper protocol for dispensing of the card, and hung up. The beast was dead, I had conquered. And what, asks thee, was my trophy? Proudly I held up my credit card, and snipped it into peices, which floated ever so poetically into the wastebasket. I had won, the day was mine. Tomorrow, I shall return to citibank. I only pray it's Connie's day off.
-Alex (The wuss)
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