2000-12-21 - 22:58:58

Cranking this one out on my mom's laptop. Slow-ass little bugger of a machine... ugh, how I hate it. It took me a few minutes just to log-in. For those of you who are wondering... Did he make it? did he make a week? Yes. Exactly a week ago 3 o'clock this afternoon, I stepped off of Southwest Airlines flight 1114 and saw the beautiful, smiling face of my friend Missy. She is solely responsible for my state of happiness from that second until roughly 2:30 the following tuesday, at which point I left my little los angelan Oasis for home. What did those 5 days consist of, you ask? Ask me no questions, I tell you no lies:P Tuesday night consisted of hanging out with Billy, Ari, Pantea and Kristy, all of which I believe at some point will be reading this entry. Hi guys. THERE, I SAID IT! That was fun, especially the expression on Pantea's face when, after being carefully instructed to bring desert, I showed up with a box of cake mix and an explanatory "You're the woman. YOU make it." That was entertainment. Wednesday Alex spent the day with Marissa. MARISSA, god how I missed her. Yes, yes, I missed the other four too, but I rarely hung out with marissa while I was in santa barbara, and during the months in Tucson I realized what an opportunity I'd passed up. So I'm extra glad for any time I spend with her. Today consisted mostly of shopping for presents and talking to people online. At some point, I got a little bored, so I looked at the clock. 4:00! YES! I had made it for a whole week and one hour, with a core-of-my-being-happiness. Damn. I mean... Fuckin Damn.

Idle curiosity: Who reads this? My counter claims I'm getting somewhere around 15 hits a day. The 4 abovementioned, Marissa, Dave, and sammy, make a total of 7. That means there's 8 people a day peeking into my life. WHO ARE YOU? Sign the analyzer! You know, that "I'm not a chicken, you're a turkey" link. ^^up there^^. I'd really like to know. I mean, Clara gets 45 hits a day, and her diary is pink! Freakin pink! I'd like to pretend if I don't have the numbers, I might just have a higher quality of traffic (teasing clara, only teasing)

*BAM* So I'm watching The Big Kahuna today, and around the end, there's this speech where Danny Devito tells this guy bob, that basically he believes deep down somewhere inside, bob is a good person. But does Bob have character? Danny believes Bob does not. Danny says, when you can look back at something you did wrong, realize you did it wrong, and have some impulse, some wish you could change it, that's when you know you have an inkling of character. And bob said, "Are you saying I'll have character when I do something wrong?" And Danny said no, what he's trying to say is that Bob already has done lots of stuff wrong, but he can't look back on it and realize it was wrong, and until he does, he will never have character. Throughout this dialogue, something was pulling at me. There was some parallel track of thought, that feeling that I've thought that thought before, but I had just never verbalized it quite so... beautifully. But where? Was I bob? Was I Danny? And then it hit me. Parker was Bob. Parker IS bob. Parker is a bob who wants everybody to think that Parker is no longer a bob. Parker works at this constantly. I think it was pantea, yesterday, who told me that no, Parker had changed a lot since I last talked to him. However, he was going through some difficult times right now. You know what my automatic reaction was? Of course he is. It's december. I used to think, wow, Parker's a complex guy, who he is is changing so often... Then, after a couple years, I realized... it's Cyclical.

Stage 1 - Parker is... Parker. Tries to commit to this easy-going, happy-go-lucky persona, unreliable, tries to appear deep and intelligent, loves any activity in which he gets to show people what a great guy he is.

Stage 2 - Parker becomes discontent, friends start getting tired of his nature, so he decides to change it. Becomes slightly hostile and increasingly meaner until

Stage 3 - Depression. He will never (unless it gets him friends) admit to this, but he thrives here. Self-loathing, he's a terrible person, blame it all on father, part of it on step-father, climaxes during brief mental breakdown, which I've since come to believe is a cry for attention occuring when he realized he cried wolf, and nobody is listening anymore.

Stage 4 - "Alex, I've been thinking a lot, and discovering a lot about myself, and I've found out who I really am." This phrase has captivated and impressed quite a few friends of mine, until, right before they tell me about the "breakthrough" of the friend I so recently awalled, I say it verbatim. Self-discovery is an event shortly following the breakdown, and resulting in

Stage 5 - "Happy go Lucky" parker. Happy with the world. Smiling. Just wants to be "a really good friend." Starts to sound like a cultist when he starts rambling, "take the journey with me, Alex." Likes to get attention by trying to look superior by pushing the image of him as some sort of fucking buddha, and me the introverted, mental-block-on-personal-growth, inhibited sidekick. What everyone eventually realizes, however, is that what he's asking me to come with him on is a bullshit ride in the first place. Eventually, he gives up, and return to square one.

Now why, do you ask, did I say his mental state was due to December? Simple. Breakdown will always occur in July and December, when only his closest/those-he-wants-to-be-closer friends can see, during vacation. Self-discovery/serene, wonderful parker occur in January and august/september, for the world to see, timed almost perfectly with return from vacation. What an incredible coincidence...

Shit. I haven't talked with him since like late August. What's he doing festering around in my subconcious? How many people have I talked to about him? How many journal entries (other than the two, including this one, encased within diaryland) have I used to vent frustration about him? Whoa, I just realized, what if Parker had diaryland? I could probably write his entries for him, especially the sort of hurt-puppy thing he would pull if ever he read this rant. "What Alex wrote wounded me deepy... I'm not that guy anymore. I've done a lot of self discovery, and been discovering who I really am. (This is where it becomes my fault... -Alex) Poor Alex, so much anger. I just wish I could help him. (guilt trip in case I read it) He really is my best friend. Bah." For those of you who know Parker, tell me how close I am. It'll give me a cheap ego boost. I wish my mind had a waste disposal unit. I could crap him out through my ear or something, then *BAM* no more issues. Come to think of it, I don't NEED one. I simply don't waste energy on him. I don't think I thought about Parker once the whole time I was in Los Angeles with Missy. I spent most of it thinking about Missy... heh. I haven't told Marissa what exactly happened between Missy and I while I was there, and nor will I tell the world. All I will say is I went into LA with us as friends, and I left LA with us as friends. Stuff happened in between. It was great. However, we have no real romantic pull towards eachother, so we are just remaining friends. I feel weird about going into details in person, and I'm sure as hell not doing it on here. Why do I feel weird about it in person, though? I mean, telling rissa bout it. It's so odd. Talking about it just doesn't feel right. That's a good enough reason for me. Dude, I've been writing for like 40 minutes! DAMN! I guess I had a lot to say. I'm going to go sleep in the bed in my room now, which due to some twitsed psychological fuckup, I don't think of as my bed anymore. I think of it as "a lot like the bed I used to have when I lived at home." Peice that one together for me.

-lacking in creative signature,

-Alex

PS: Use of the term *BAM* is ruthlessly plagiarized from sporkboy.diaryland.com. I know he doesn't mind, he probably doesn't give a rat's ass, but credit goes where credit is due. Just wanted to see what it felt like.

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