2002-04-24 - 9:22 a.m.

My life in my chosen major has become this evil speeding train, barrelling through the countryside at a hundred miles an hour. I'm watching the landscape, the world, my life fly by. I'm divided. Some manifestation of part of my mind is watching me watch it all fly by.

"Alex," he says, "You need to jump."
I look at him incredulously. "Why?" I ask.
"Because," he smiles a little sadly as he answers, "We're not going anywhere."

For all the assbusting late nights I've pulled, I've gotten nowhere GPA-wise this semester. And quite honestly, I'm seriously doubting the merit of trying to be accepted into the Computer Science major. Sure, it's what I'm good at. Computers. Alex. The two are practically synonymous. But I'm almost entirely sure that this is not how I want to do for a living, for one simple, painfully obvious reason that I've been overlooking for the entire goddamn school year.

I'm not supposed to hate life this much. Jesus Christ, I burned out somewhere back in November. NOVEMBER! Christmas and Spring vacation were brief breaks, opportunities for me to crash in comfort and not worry for a while. But they didn't solve anything. I never really got my momentum back. I never fully recovered. I've just been a zombie the entire semester.

People have trouble accepting that I have the capacity to be genuinely depressed. Usually because I'm the one dragging them out of their depression. Coral and Eddie, two of the best friends I have in Tucson, don't know the extent of what's going on with me, because I can't bring myself let them see it. Because they have a quick fix. God. And they'll never be able to see past the quick fix. The only person I can talk to about the whole thing in it's entirety is Matt. Because Matt sees it. Matt understands it. Matt, above all, knows that there ISN'T a quick fix. That there isn't some sort of poofyourhappy jelly bean or religion or quantity of marijuana (god knows we've tried) that'll make it all go away permanently.

Occasionally, Coral sees it. Every now and then, I get into her car to go to school, and I look out the window, and I don't say anything. I just look. And I feel like I'm about to cry. She'll ask, and I'll give evasive answers until she gives up, and that's the end of it.

The only reason I haven't abandoned ship yet, quite honestly, is I don't know where to go. What to change my major to. What I want to do with my life if computer science isn't the kickstart into that life. Where to go. What to do. What to be. It's too damned static.

"When all else fails, go back to the beginning."

Maybe I'll go into kindergarten again or something.

-Alex

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