2004-03-02 - 2:33 PM

I love children. But I think I hate girl scouts.

It's cookie season in Tucson. Last year there was one girl out on the grass in front of the Student union, belting out at the top of her lungs, "Giiirrrrllll Sccoouuuutttt Cookiieeeessss. Giiirrrrllll Sccoouuuutttt Cookiieeeessss." Short "oo", long "ies". Yeah. That obnoxious. I had to hear it about 10 times walking from one class to the next, and oh my god, she never stopped. Ever. But that was okay. It was okay because there was only one.

Today there were around a dozen. An entire troup of tollhouse pimps (I swear to god, think about it) in my way from class to home. 4 were out in the grassy area, in a little booth amongst their stacks of pastry goodness. They were okay. Just chillin', doing the "homemade sign with big colorful markers" thing. One was tying her shoe. I would've bought some of the peanut butter ones if I had cash, because they're tasty and I respected their improved non-invasive business practices. As I walked home, though, there were 8 of them split into groups of 4, each group dominating one sidewalk on either side of my street home. And they were in the middle of the sidewalk, so I had to walk around them. And they were chanting, chanting, oh god the chanting. "GirlScoutCookiesGirlScoutCookies..." One side louder than the other. The louder side was hopping up and down to the rhythm of it.

"C'mon, they can't hear us!" I heard one shout as I walked past, refusing to make eye contact. Both sides got louder, louder, until it reached a point, where if their voices had suddenly been drowned out by the unholy chalkboard-scratching wail of a banshee, I would have felt immense relief. One of them stepped directly in front of me holding up one of their now-epitomy-of-evil signs with colofrul looking prices and varieties listed, angling to face me so I'd have to stop and acknowledge their evil presence in my world. I still wasn't making eye contact, but from peripheral vision I could see her looking at me, waiting, smiling almost a predatory smile. You remember the main character in Office Space, the way Lumburgh got in front of him to get his attention, and he didn't even break stride, just sort of stepping around him him?

Let's just say I was inspired.

As I passed, I heard one girl say to the other, "He didn't see you. We need to be louder." I wanted to yell, I wanted scream, "I saw you, you malevolant brat, I saw you and I defeated you! Ha! HAHA! HAHAHAHA!" And run off dancing down the street. But then I'd be a 22 year old guy yelling at girl scouts. And there's just no way to explain to authorities that they were askin' for it. So I grinned smugly so their comrades across the street could see, and just kept walkin'.

when I was at the stop light another 30 feet down the street, and the psychosis-inspiring chant had become a barely audible unsettling murmer, I chanced a glance back. Both sides were now hopping and chanting, and they seemed to be getting louder. I'm not sure, but I think when the parental unit (In cub scouts they were Den Mothers. I don't know the Tollhouse Pi- er... Girl Scout Equivalent) saw me, she scowled at me. Just a little. So I smiled at her, and right then the street light flashed "Walk", so I took off across the street, victorious in my epic battle against, well, small children.

But I'm taking a different route to campus tomorrow.

...Just in case.

-Alex

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