2004-05-26 - 10:59 AM

I thought if I brought her here and hid from the world for a night, I'd wake up next to her and I'd be happy, and then I wouldn't dread the next 5 days so much. It's always worked before.

What I really woke up to was loud music and her jumping on the bed. I pulled her down and threw the blanket over us. Clutched her like a teddy bear and smiled, wished and tried to pretend it was working.

Berkeley kicked my inner child in the balls, I think. Knocked the wind right out of me. That many people for that long, and then on to other people, friends, but friends who were around nonetheless. I should really stop pretending that even if the personal bubble isn't popped when someone else is inside, that it's the same bubble.

I love her, she's a friend in the truest, weirdest way. But there's no way around the next 5 days. For the family's sake, I need to act like I'm not utterly and totally suffering.

I bought a pack of cigarettes for the occasion. Basically to chain smoke while they're away and D's asleep or watching TV. I got it yesterday, half the pack's gone just thinking about what's to come.

I feel creepily seperated from everyone, like every direction I turn there's someone standing there, and a wall popped up overnight that wasn't there before.

I turned in too many directions. Now I'm all boxed in.

It's not some dawning realization or state of being or long-term downswing or anything like that. Just a very specific downward spike of emotional well-being, centered around the past 48 hours or so. I realize this, but at the same time, it helps nothing.

What's with today, today?

Etan e epitas.

-Alex

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