2004-08-15 - 9:46 PM
I receive an awful lot of e-mail from kindhearted individuals, worried about various aspects of my life and offering spectacular, money-saving opportunities to improve them. Consider this an open letter to all those true, true humanitarians, willing to sacrifice profit, time, and effort to make my life better.
I do not have a girlfriend. Thus, I do not need to "keep it up longer." Specifically, I don't need any viagra, or various cheaper herbal or all-natural alternatives. Now, I know what some of you are thinking, several of you have contacted me about this already. Maybe I need to meet someone, either online, through videos, or just mail-order myself a bride. I'm not going to. So please, no further correspondence regarding that.
It's also worth noting that the girlfriend I *did* have never spoke negatively regarding the size of my John Thomas, even after we broke up. Even if she did, I'm a geek, and thus my self-esteem is not linked to the size of my anatomy, but the size of my computer tower. Which is huge. Incidentally, this anatomy implies that I am, in fact, male. The only reason I would be even remotely interested in increasing the size of my breasts, whether through pills or cheap surgury or creams or what have you, would be if I were a hermaphrodite.
I am not.
I am, however, elated at the vast cash prizes and gaming systems that I have won without even entering any contests. Consider this my permanent and open acceptance of said prizes and all terms included, and feel free to drop them by my house at such a time as is convenient for you. Same with the gorgeous, horny women who can't contain themselves, such is their overwhelming glee at the very idea of spending time with me. Sadly, these gorgeous, classy ladies will require all of my attentions, and therefor I won't have any time, or need, for those webcams, behind which cheap hourly rates hold still more gorgeous women. They also, incidentally, are the sole exception to one of my earlier statements. Tell them to bring the viagra, I'll pay you back later. But not with the credit cards I've been pre-approved for, because I already have enough of them, upon which I have excellent credit. Which means, for you credit people, that I don't need any services designed to help me out of debt. Even if I did, I don't quite see how charging me money for your (truly benevolent) services would help my situation any.
Vast terabytes of powerful software, and warehouses of hardware, are available to me at much cheaper prices (often free) than any of you could possibly offer.
I am a student, and get my medical and dental insurance through the university, utilizing cheap student rates, the same way I do for travel.
I'm a computer science major. Thus, I don't need to waste resources scouring cheap, userfriendly search engines for the career that could change my life.
I might as well be honest. I'd be too lazy to hold the job anyway.
As for you dishonest emailers (not like the fine human beings providing the services mentioned above), there are a couple things which should be made clear. I know the email isn't from a friend, when it's titled "Hey it's me", and that it's not a continuation of a conversation when the title is "Re: something something" from an email address I don't recognize.
As for all the free (trial or otherwise) pornography that's apparently just an email away: Whatever's worth having can be found on Kazaa. Furthermore, the following things do not, in any way, shape, or form, appeal to me: Midgets, gay men, farm animals, hardcore bondage, snuff films, or any combination of two or more of the above.
None of this is to say that I don't appreciate all your efforts towards bettering my life. On the contrary, I value the crucial role you play in society. However, I'd genuinely appreciate it if you would find it in your benevolant hearts to leave me the fuck alone.
-Alex
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